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Welcome to the Figure Skating
World
of Investment Analysts_________________________Chris
Renner
 With
the recent completion ofthe Winter Olympics, I am sort of
relieved. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy the competition
within the Olympics. I love ice hockey! I love the luge! How
can you not love the “push the limits” excitement
of downhill skiing! Cross country skiing, while akin to watching
the grass grow, is still a battle of endurance that deserves
notice. In fact, I think 90% of the Winter Olympic sports
are legitimate competitions that embody the Olympic motto
of “Citius, Altius, Fortius”, which incidentally,
does not mean “Visa, MasterCard, American Express.”
The one sport that needs to be changed, however, is figure
skating!
I know, I know. I can hear you lambasting me for my opinion.
“It’s so elegant! It combines athleticism and beauty!
The jumps are spectacular!” you exclaim. Up to that point,
I do not disagree with you. It takes an incredible amount
of athleticism and artistry to do what figure skaters do!
However, this sport does not belong in the Olympics or any
other competition! Why? Because the judges are buffoons!
Figure skating should be classified as merely an exhibition,
because there is nothing fair about the actual competition.
There should be no medals ever awarded in figure skating because,
like wrestling and roller derby, it’s rigged!
That’s right, the outcome is predetermined before the
event even starts. Think about it? First, Ms. Unknownskaterwithanamethathasnovowels
nails her routine by hitting fourteen triple salchows, points
her fingers and toes, and sings her own national anthem. She
gets 5.0’s. Later, three Ms. Bigshotskaterswithponytails-andpearlywhiteteeth
each have to wipe snow off their butt because they fell to
the ice so many times, get 5.8’s and 5.9’s and are
soon hugging each other on the medal podium.
There is no explanation other that the event is fixed! Figure
skating judges must be paid by bookies because there is no
logical explanation for the scores they give.
Now what does the fact that figure skating is scandalously
subjective have to do with a newsletter that promotes investments?
Well, just as you cannot believe figure skating judges, you
also should not believe what investment analysts are touting
with regard to some of their individual stock selections.
Maybe you have unwittingly been involved in this scenario…
Mr. Bigshotinvestmentanalyst recommends that Rocketship Industries
(Fictitious Ticker symbol ROKIT) has had problems with its
thrusters and until they’re fixed, this stock is a “Hold”.
Along comes Ms. Ibringinmorefees-tothecompanythanyou and states
that as one of a syndicate of underwriters of ROKIT’s
stock, we should boost that rating to generate even more revenue
for the company.
Mr. Bigshotinvestmentanalyst complies because he wants to
keep his job, states that the thrusters have received a booster
shot, and issues a “buy” rating even though the
P/E is hovering somewhere around the lunar stratosphere. Dr.
Smalltimeinvestor, on the advice of Mr. Commissionfedbroker,
buys ROKIT, because the thruster problem has been neutralized,
and expects ROKIT to double within three months! Six months
later, the thrusters have no thrust, the brokerage house has
made millions, and your stock has been grounded for eternity.
Continued
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